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Rough weekend
Living with other people sucks, by the way. Sometimes I just want to cry and not worry if I'm being too loud, or, worse, if someone will ask what I'm crying about.
I'm feeling sick (cold, not H1N1) because I haven't been able to eat for the past few days. I'm disgustingly sneezy and headachy and it's kinda hard to make my eyes focus. I've been able to choke down enough to take some ibuprofen today, though, so that's good. My oh-so-sweet coworker got me a Swiss Army knife for Christmas--which is really cool of him--but I so do not need knives lying around right now. I had the blade out across my thigh and I pressed down but didn't break the skin. And then I went and buried my head under the blankets and sobbed for three hours.
There's nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with how I feel, I tell myself--but I don't get to transition because it would hurt other people. I feel so caught up in these threads of other people's need that I can't see through to what I want.
See there, I'm doing it right now. Other people "need," but I only "want." That's not fair.
I want to be selfish. I want to put my needs, my wants, in front of other people's. Just once, I want other people to hurt instead of me.
Because I can't see any other way out of this. This feeling is never going to go away. If I don't transition I'm going to hurt for the rest of my life. Some days (weeks, months) will be better than others but it will always hurt. It will always hurt to look in the mirror, get dressed in the morning, walk down the street. The happiest moments of my life will still be the few times someone has "mistaken" me for a guy.
This has been a shitty weekend.
I'm feeling sick (cold, not H1N1) because I haven't been able to eat for the past few days. I'm disgustingly sneezy and headachy and it's kinda hard to make my eyes focus. I've been able to choke down enough to take some ibuprofen today, though, so that's good. My oh-so-sweet coworker got me a Swiss Army knife for Christmas--which is really cool of him--but I so do not need knives lying around right now. I had the blade out across my thigh and I pressed down but didn't break the skin. And then I went and buried my head under the blankets and sobbed for three hours.
There's nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with how I feel, I tell myself--but I don't get to transition because it would hurt other people. I feel so caught up in these threads of other people's need that I can't see through to what I want.
See there, I'm doing it right now. Other people "need," but I only "want." That's not fair.
I want to be selfish. I want to put my needs, my wants, in front of other people's. Just once, I want other people to hurt instead of me.
Because I can't see any other way out of this. This feeling is never going to go away. If I don't transition I'm going to hurt for the rest of my life. Some days (weeks, months) will be better than others but it will always hurt. It will always hurt to look in the mirror, get dressed in the morning, walk down the street. The happiest moments of my life will still be the few times someone has "mistaken" me for a guy.
This has been a shitty weekend.