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As Good a Reason as Any
Below is my coming-out letter to friends.
I'm posting this here because I hunted long and hard for sample coming-out letters once I started to write this. I don't know how helpful this may be to others, since everyone's situation is different, but it certainly seemed worth the effort of posting.
I'm also (hopefully?) going to be using this blog more in the coming months, as these lovely antidepressants continue to work their magic and I also (hopefully?) have things in my life which are actually fun to write about.
You are receiving this message because I value your friendship and I want you with me as my life takes a turn you may not have expected.
I am transgender. After long and careful consideration, I have decided to transition from living as female to male.
This is not a decision I have made lightly. I tried very hard to become the woman I thought I was supposed to be. I struggled for years to accept this body I was born into and the expectations that came with it. But no matter how far down I pushed these feelings of wrongness, they would not go away. I lived my life in lock-step with other people’s expectations. I distanced myself from people I cared about, from people who needed me, because I was afraid of my “secret.”
I’m still afraid. Writing this letter has been a difficult process. But I have discovered that I’m more afraid of losing myself in this lie than I am of losing you by telling the truth.
I hope that you will stay with me through this transition. I am working with a gender therapist to explore my options for transitioning medically and legally, but these changes are far in the future. Right now, I just need your support.
In practical terms, this means two things:
First, please use male pronouns to address me. Call me Ryan--many of you do already (that also means [private email]). I understand that this will be difficult at first and that you may slip up from time to time, but I appreciate the effort.
Second, please refrain from discussing my gender online (especially on Facebook). Due to my complicated living situation, I am not coming out to family at this time. If our families know each other, please do not discuss this with your family. I realize that this may put some of you in an uncomfortable position, but please try to help me out.
[Partner] and I are committed to maintaining our relationship. Although my decision to transition has placed stress on our relationship, we feel it is well worth the effort to forge ahead and continue our life together.
I welcome your comments and questions, should you have any. I’m willing to talk about my gender identity or my transition as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. Here are a few links to resources you may also find helpful:
www.tsfaq.info
http://www.hrc.org/issues/transgender/13102.htm
www.community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594 (Welcoming Our Trans Family and Friends)
I'm still the same person you became friends with. Being open about my gender identity won't change my sense of humor, my terrible fashion sense, my love of squirrels or bad puns--it won't make me any less of an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to laugh with while watching bad movies.
I understand that accepting me as male may be difficult for you. After all, it took me nearly two decades to get here. I'll still be here, ready and waiting to be your friend, if it takes you weeks, months, years, or even a few decades of your own to accept who I am.
- Ryan
I'm posting this here because I hunted long and hard for sample coming-out letters once I started to write this. I don't know how helpful this may be to others, since everyone's situation is different, but it certainly seemed worth the effort of posting.
I'm also (hopefully?) going to be using this blog more in the coming months, as these lovely antidepressants continue to work their magic and I also (hopefully?) have things in my life which are actually fun to write about.
You are receiving this message because I value your friendship and I want you with me as my life takes a turn you may not have expected.
I am transgender. After long and careful consideration, I have decided to transition from living as female to male.
This is not a decision I have made lightly. I tried very hard to become the woman I thought I was supposed to be. I struggled for years to accept this body I was born into and the expectations that came with it. But no matter how far down I pushed these feelings of wrongness, they would not go away. I lived my life in lock-step with other people’s expectations. I distanced myself from people I cared about, from people who needed me, because I was afraid of my “secret.”
I’m still afraid. Writing this letter has been a difficult process. But I have discovered that I’m more afraid of losing myself in this lie than I am of losing you by telling the truth.
I hope that you will stay with me through this transition. I am working with a gender therapist to explore my options for transitioning medically and legally, but these changes are far in the future. Right now, I just need your support.
In practical terms, this means two things:
First, please use male pronouns to address me. Call me Ryan--many of you do already (that also means [private email]). I understand that this will be difficult at first and that you may slip up from time to time, but I appreciate the effort.
Second, please refrain from discussing my gender online (especially on Facebook). Due to my complicated living situation, I am not coming out to family at this time. If our families know each other, please do not discuss this with your family. I realize that this may put some of you in an uncomfortable position, but please try to help me out.
[Partner] and I are committed to maintaining our relationship. Although my decision to transition has placed stress on our relationship, we feel it is well worth the effort to forge ahead and continue our life together.
I welcome your comments and questions, should you have any. I’m willing to talk about my gender identity or my transition as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. Here are a few links to resources you may also find helpful:
www.tsfaq.info
http://www.hrc.org/issues/transgender/13102.htm
www.community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594 (Welcoming Our Trans Family and Friends)
I'm still the same person you became friends with. Being open about my gender identity won't change my sense of humor, my terrible fashion sense, my love of squirrels or bad puns--it won't make me any less of an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to laugh with while watching bad movies.
I understand that accepting me as male may be difficult for you. After all, it took me nearly two decades to get here. I'll still be here, ready and waiting to be your friend, if it takes you weeks, months, years, or even a few decades of your own to accept who I am.
- Ryan